The concrete jungle with bright obstructive lights and dreams vanished into the dust. In a city that never slept, it shutdown. Loneliness and trepidation that hid amongst the crowds were finally revealed.
As an incoming freshman in college at the peak of my existence when experimentation meets curiosity, I felt trapped for the past fifteen months yet free in a city with no expectations. As my colleagues vanished overseas and city dwellers packed up to go out east WFH bound, I stayed put in a studio I couldnāt escape from.Ā
For some time, wildlife became free, car fumes didnāt fog my brain, cyclists avoided looming over my shoulders to pass lanes and the stillness was eerily peaceful as the city escaped itself.
As a lifelong New Yorker, daily occurrences such as crowded streets to long lines and cramped delayed subways were common situations I avoided as a fast-paced heads-down Gen Zer somehow sadly navigating the world solely on my device.
Indeed, we donāt appreciate what we have until itās gone. Now I crave these empty yet blissful regular annoying activities that make my life mine again. I donāt want to be glued to a slot machine full of highlight reels anymore. I beg for real authentic interruptions that force me to look up and stay there. I have a name so I want to hear it!
Now I seek to waste time, be a little late, slow down not because I can rather because I should, wear something outside of my comfort zone and be all alone in a city that has been lonely this whole time.Ā
As the virus abruptly hit my first year in the hardest-hit city, I couldnāt replicate my experience in my bedroom turned office, gym, kitchen, virtual social hour gathering space and classroom yet I somehow survived. At this moment in time Iām baffled as to how Iām already halfway through an experience I prepared four plus years into the making for that I never fully witnessed.
As fortunate as I was to have extra time on my hands with a pet-peeve of procrastination, I got cracking achieving more than I could have ever imagined nor thought I was capable of.
I initiated intriguing conversations with folks across the globe, strolled with soft fascination as NYC blossomed, learned how to cook real food, prioritized my mental state, found an affection for personal finance, taught myself vital skills the education system neglects and most importantly quit toxic junk I previously replaced my life with that turned me into a nervous relatable wreck.Ā
From endlessly scrolling social media to conforming to a certain style of Canada Goose and Gucci, I quit tangible possessions and actions that didnāt serve me and began to observe what cannot be replaced and what I really needed which is not much at all.
I cannot say my reentry onto the sidewalks and back to school this past spring has been transformative. Itās been difficult, annoying, ominous, and stagnant, yet my entrance and mindset have matured for the upcoming fall. I got to skip the agony of the āFreshman 15ā and the awkward penultimate teenage years to help me focus on why Iām in this city and what I can do with my limited time.
Strolling around Washington Square Park without being glued to my phone or eating alone cancelling all intruding thoughts have felt beyond relieving and took serious practice. Instead of letting them be, I let them go. These thoughts canāt stay with me if I want to get somewhere.Ā
Perhaps the pandemic drained me so I could have the chance to revitalize myself and become a true New Yorker that follows whatās best for themselves at an age when itās virtually impossible to do so.
In order to take care of others, I need to take care of myself. Looking back only a year ago, the energy Iāve drained and my precious attention Iāve given up is a true letdown. I knew I couldnāt keep it up forever.
I laid my head low, followed the crowd, liked every photo for a follow-back, didnāt know who I was, and bought things I didnāt need with money I didnāt have to spend it on people I didnāt know.
2020 broke this never-ending cycle before it got dangerous. I guess things really do happen for you not to you and the hardest moments teach us the most. I know my daddy is watching from above and this learning lesson was meant to be.
Despite being stuck at home on top of the city, I transformed the most when I was alone in the clouds not on the streets. As I gear up to fully return back in person in the fall to NYU, I couldnāt be more appreciative and stunned by how much Iāve changed on my own, something no class could ever teach me.Ā
I canāt wait to put that phone down, be alone together in a lonely city, embrace my weirdness, stay average, simple, and boring. The way I wish I was earlier. Being older is beautiful.
I guess you could call this a hidden gap year I never knew I needed.
See you around.
MIA (Missing In Action)