We donât talk about things that are uncomfortable and not common becuase why waste your time arguing, making your life worse?
But it is actually costing you more than you think and simply doesn’t make cents, without the s.
Still today, money is one of those topics that is known as the classic taboo for absolutely no reason.
Our finances are the only things we think about, plan for, evaluate, and judge upon the most but it is also the most dreaded fear and a killer of a conversation.
We always want more of it and we misbelieve it brings happiness simply becuase we can buy more stuff.
It controls our lives and what we do.
Itâs like politics.
You try every possible way to avoid talking about it because even if it does get mentioned, you know it will turn ugly with 2 sides.
With money, there are infinite sides because we all have our own perspectives and way of spending.
It is all relative.
We grew up in a different place and family which means we have different interpretations, knowledge (not enough) and as a result, we believe money is solely about how much we make based on our efforts to bring results, not necessarily serving others, the true path to fulfillment.
The most basic reason we donât talk about money is because of the judgment based on the evaluation of hard work.
Unfortunately, most of us tend to work just to get the bills paid and support our family.
We wish it was exciting as dreaming to be an astronaut or being in a battle in a court case when we were five, but life crept in and expectations reigned on us.
You get paid based on the work you provide, not so much on how you do it because everyone can do it differently, get the same job done, and pay the same.
Maybe a bonus here or there.
If money wasnât an issue and instead, part of every dinner conversation, there would be no burnout, comparison, or mental health issues.
We would constantly stop compare ourselves becuase we know everything about one another.
We know that our friend is making x amount and doing nothing and that’s her choice.
We don’t need to live in fear or confusion.
Everything is hidden from us and we don’t like it.
It leads us to be sneaky in trying to find ways to make money pleasing our egotistical selves instead of our soul.
Our lives are secretive.
As with social media, we only reveal the 1% glamour of it on vacations and at an amusement park, but the rest of it, mostly works and time with our families, that we donât want to disclose.
But if we disclosed how much we make and how many hours we worked, wouldn’t there be more problems.
Isn’t that why Trump says his tax returns have been under audit for 4 years becuase he doesn’t want to reveal any international trade schemes and money laundering?
So thatâs why we keep it a secret.
It is avoided to restrain judgment and controversy and in Trump’s case, jail time.
Makes sense, just like politics.
It is another hot topic.
So where has this fear actually come from?
Are we fearful of revealing our spending habits and how our life is actually lived based on how much we spend?
According to eMoney, 37% of people rely on parents or family members for advice, 30% for their spouse, 63% never consulted a financial advisor, and those who did admit 30% to hiding information about their spending habits.
No matter how trustworthy someone is, it seems like mommy and daddy are the best approach but are they really?
Only now personal finance is being discussed (barely) outside of school and back in the day, the male of the household dealt with the finances to provide for supper, obviously a poor choice but that was the norm and the females didn’t interfere.
Money is tricky because we all have our own assertions on how we should spend it.
It is the 1 topic we cannot come to agreements on because we all value different things and plan for different decisions.
But whatâs really different?
We all get an education, plan for retirement, possibly have kids, enjoy life through its pleasures such as eating out and the beach, so it’s not like talking about something out of the ordinary inappropriate.
We also have an awkward relationship to ourselves.
According to Debra L. Kaplan, therapist, financial expert, and author of âBattle fo the Titans: Mastering the Forces of Sex, Money, and Power in Relationshipsâ, she summarizes this controversy beautifully:
“People often donât talk about money because it is perceived to be socially disrespectful. There is a social implication and taboo around money that suggests we are more likely to talk about sex than money.â
We all relate to it differently and that is what makes it uneasy to get into.
Anything that has been difficult from the start, will be 10x harder to deal with later in life because of the lack of confronting the topic snowballs into a bigger dilemma, effecting our entire lives since money does evolve over it.
Only recently when my financial advisor, my mother, and I went over our portfolio as we do monthly to discuss allocations and what assets might need to be reconfigured was when our advisor asked how much my mother makes to make better assertions.
When I think about it, I donât know where I learned that it was bizarre to ask my parents or anyone what they make.
I believe I did one time and my mother told me she didnât want me telling others.
I guess I wasn’t a trustworthy 10 years old.
Is it just a women problem that we are afraid we will be judged harsher?
Yet, when I asked my father, it seemed to not be a gender issue.
He didnât want to tell me either because he was worried about blabbing it to my teacher and friends.
This was back in Middle School.
I havenât asked either since.
Immediately when my advisor asked her, my mother had this hesitation, that is common with everyone since it just not common to talk about apparently.
My mother then felt relieved and trusted since someone is managing our money and is a fiduciary, working in our best interest.
And she said it.
Oh, is it okay if I say it here?
Probably not right?
Obviously, sitting on the sidelines hearing my mother and our advisor speak, it was awkward and I wanted to dive deeper into this feeling that we all want to avoid.
The only problem.
There was barely any research done on this topic because it is not talked about enough!
Maybe thatâs why it’s called, PERSONAL finance.
But after experimenting with my friends and asking my colleagues what their relationship is with money, they all had these common responses. My friends are in the age group of 18-23.
-I never learned about finance until recently so talking about my salary and how much I spend is embarrassing
-If you compare where I live and what I do, it will not make sense financially so I avoid it.
-I grew up with the toolkit that my parents gave me.
Spend less than what you earn, try to have multiple streams of income, and attempt to live under your means while also enjoying life
(This is my kind of thinking. Insert squint emoji. )
But seriously, these are all the responses weâve all made at some point.
Since Iâve never worked full time and still in school, I cannot say I’ve said all, but all they fall into how we view ourselves against each other.
Personal finance is personal and it deals with our feelings.
Itâs not about money at all, but rather how we perceive money against each other.
Talking about money can equate to failure and a lack of self-worth.
Plus, the more information you give, the more opinions there will be of you.
We perceive ourselves as poor money managers if we say how much we make and buy.
But what it comes down to is rejection.
When you attempt to negotiate your salary, it can be the scariest thing in the world.
You are trying to prove to your boss that you deserve more to go on better vacations and buy a BMW?
It seems greedy and selfish so how can we spin that and instead be okay with having an ordinary conversation about money?
There are so many ways of generating wealth these days, especially online.
No matter how many billionaires from Silicon Valley who wear the same shirt every day and drive Hondas, maybe to prove a point or because they have better things to worry about, regardless, we try to associate our features and external factors to how much money we have.
This leads to the case of imposter syndrome. You second guess yourself and presume you need to dress better because you work in this environment or speak with these types of people.
It is incredibly hard to convince ourselves that less is more and why does it matter anyway?
We always feel we need to be in competition with each other.
I can attest to being trapped in this situation at college.
It seems like the clothes you wear are more important than what you learn from school.
Everyone is in competition with what they wear becuase of low self-esteem.
Am I the only one who wants to prevent anytime making decisions about clothing, food, or anything that will get me farther in life?
It seems money breaks everything up and turns it into a more complicated relationship.
When you meet someone, you donât want to talk about your credit score and how you want to split the bill tonight.
You want to push that aside and not seem like you are attracted to the money, but rationally we all are because we constantly seek more of it without a passion.
Avoid the word budget and savings.
Everyoneâs definition is different and depending on our goals, we simply need to stash some in CDs or ROTH IRAs depending on what is coming up.
Through this negativity about money, it mainly stems from guilt and shame.
But there is a true cost to not talking about it.
Be honest, Americans do love a good debate.
We all tune into the presidential screaming matches and donât care about each other online, but if our finances are mentioned, there is only fear and silence.
This isnât because there will be massive fights but because being transparent about how hard weâve worked is difficult to disclose.
Not talking about money is worse than lying or sweeping it under the rug.
I don’t want to be a Debby Downer, but a 2013 study found that not being on the same page about money is the #1 predictor of divorce and happiness.
Just like the stock market, it is all driven by fear.
We are concerned you may not like us if we disclose how much student debt, compulsive shopping weâve done for Christmas or where we went on spring break.
There is no solution to this problem unless you, yourself let it go.
Let it become less personal.
But it will make cents if you are guided by patience, surround yourself with truthful individuals such as advisors and family (second) to help you in this situation, and most importantly, understand there is absolutely nothing wrong with where you are and what you are doing.
Sure, you might not need to pay for $6 coffee and you know that, so open up about it and tell someone to help you.
People will forever have judgments and assumptions about you but how long will you keep that from not allowing you to grow your wealth?
You cannot live YOUR life living by OTHERâS standards and that starts with getting personal, forgetting about the money itself.