Networking and connecting are tasks none of us truly want to engage in all the time but feel the need to perform it anyway in order to move the needle in our lives. When was the last time you were excited to write an email or send out a Christmas card? Maybe never but the truth is, people are everything and can change our lives around in every way possible. From your college sweetheart to your boss that treated you unfairly, everything starts with a conversation. We are surrounded by people and as much as we might despise some, they will provide you more than anything money could ever buy.
More often than not, the introvert in a lot of us would much rather sit on the couch on a Friday night cozied up with a good book instead of engaging in non-sense small talk in a dark, chilly party hall killing your feet standing up for hours. Unless you grew up in a wealthy family where your parents helped introduce you to the princes and head of somethings at some annual gathering, you probably donât have a good grasp on how to reach out to people.
Roller Coaster
Iâm here to say first off, donât worry! We are all in the same boat. So how can I guarantee that? Well, look at the top fears people have in life! Number 1, public speaking, fear of heights then dieing. It can be discouraging to know that before someone ever meets you, they will already have pre-assumed assumptions and opinions about you just from the perfume you have on or what you drive. Even in the Netflix series, highly recommend, Love is Blind, just given the name of the participants, they already made assumptions about where they are from or what race they are!
This is especially the case with entrepreneurs and the stealth wealth revolution rich folks take on these days which Iâm a big fan of. Before people popularized the idea that the less you pass attention to your looks and clothing means you are actually secretly rich inside, people-focused too heavily on looks in order to assume head to toe about who a person is. Everything from where they live to how much they make disregarding the fact that those who spend less time on the least important things (clothing and food for me), have other things to worry about that actually, well, move the needle in their lives and usually for the world as that is how their wealth was accumulated in the first place, solving the worldâs problems. Youâll never find Bezos or Zuckerberg drive a Lambo but you will find the a lower-income dude in debt driving one due to insecurity and appraisal. Value what is most important, especially with your time and money. Time = Money after all.
How To Deal With Anyone, Anywhere
Regardless of what stage in life you are in, from an elderly woman who has the calmest personality able to adapt with anyone in a room and not care who you are or where you come from or to a 13-year-old who judges everyone based on what type of Jordanâs they wear, connections are key. We certainly arenât getting enough of it these days confined in our own bubbles which is truly deteriorating our mental health more than we think it. Humans are made for interaction and these days, I for sure will never take for granted the feeling of dealing with annoying co-workers or group projects with colleagues my age, as much as they got on my nerves that unless you are paid to work on a project, I end up doing all the work.
So how can we get to a stage of always being able to deal with any kind of person and never tell ourselves that we are sick of being with humans?
Listening
This is an essential part of any conversation and can make or break it. Conversations arenât about meeting someone for the sole purpose of meeting them. This is especially why I retreat from meeting celebrities or famous people. As a New Yorker, it is common to see celebrities on the street or while attending events, concerts, games at MSG, Barclays, Radio Music City Hall or US. Open to name a few of my favorite spots. Back in HS, my friends always begged me every time we saw a celebrity as if it was uncommon, to get a group photo with them for the gram. I always cringed because I just donât think like most teens. I donât want everything to be about myself wanting the photo for approval and appraisal to eventually post it on social media. I focus on the celebrity. They are probably sick of taking photos and although love their fans, want space and respect. They are human after all. All they want are listeners and fans at a distance, especially now. The same goes for any conversation, with or without a celebrity. The best conversations take time, patience, unrehearsed, and good ears.
We have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.
Take A Chill Pill
As much as I take diligent action and mindfulness practice to pay attention to how I am feeling and what sparks my social anxiety nervousness during the conversations I have on a daily basis over Zoom these days, I seem to never get over the jitters. There are some people, specifically my grandma that no matter who she talks to, whether it may be Snoop Dog or Obama, she is the calmest in the world.
Donât we all wish we spoke to people over 50? No wonder I have older friends, they actually make conversations enjoyable! It is something about older people that Iâm fascinated by. Not only their wisdom, intellect, charm, lessons learned, and secret values they possess, they take time for anyone, treat everyone the same, and it feels like you get a $5k therapist session per hour speaking to them revealing your darkest revelations.
They are open book and always welcome anyone, someone I strive to be and I hope you are too. But donât jump the gun, it doesnât happen overnight. It is learned through practice, mistakes and well, working with people.
When we are younger we try to impress everyone and come across as macho, especially men which needs to change. The more you attempt to hide your emotions the less strong you are. You are better off being open and vulnerable facing your fears to find a solution. Nothing good comes out of building up more tension inside and keeping your emotions to yourself. As a result, this buildup usually leads to mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, addiction, and even suicide down the road. This is a message for females as well because I see more often than not. Kill that stereotype. You have 1 life to live for goodness sake!
Remember, no one is out to get you. Donât try to âfake it till you make itâ becuase you will only come across as more anxious and awkward. Be yourself and express your vulnerability. Trust me, people want reliability, and hear that you are feeling the same way they are! Yes, an interview and meeting someone new is scary and produces art pit sweat and shaky hands but that means you are excited and can all be controlled the more you practice! If you arenât nervous, that means you donât care and that would be worse.
Try less and practice more.
Sympathy
If you expect a job or a free gift card out of every initial conversation with a stranger, expect to never make friends and do everything yourself with no help. Why do we always need to feel programmed to make 100% use of our time? Most of the people Iâve met in my life, I will never see again. I just met them becuase either we are paired up together in a class or did something similar, in my case usually in school since thatâs been a majority of my life as a current 20-year-old. But once you get older, itâs the same deal. 9 times out of 10 you will make the closest connection, marry or become good friends with people you work with or who have similar hobbies as you, not someone you met on the street or at a random bar unless you were really drunk.
Conversations are supposed to be slow and understanding one another, not by accident or set up unless you enjoy Match.com and in that case, you do you. Most of the time, you will need to get to know each other for a couple of meetings before you can start âgivingâ each other something. In your case, whatever that may be.
Itâs Never The End of The World
No one is out to hurt you. It is just your mind playing tricks on you. You are your worst critic and loudest cheerleader after all. But unfortunately, the more pessimistic side is accentuated more. As long as you donât feel uncomfortable or offended from a chat, there is no reason to ever blame other people for your way of feeling. It is up to you to control yourself and your dangerous mind.
Get out of your head and realize that connecting should be fun. Practice overcoming the number one fear people have so you can be in the 99% percentile of people who actually enjoy talking.
Professionally Communicate But Still Be Human
Lately, after recruiting season this past fall, Iâve been âchecking inâ a whole lot with mentors and employees Iâve met at career events and job fairs because frankly, I donât know how else to move forward and progress with a connection. Sure it is best to start with a great pick-up line or memory that you had speaking with the recruiter or your mentor, but after that, you know that they donât have time to read your email nor want to find the words to respond to your message. Almost always after meeting someone, I have this voice in my head telling me I have to respond and say thank you for meeting about XY & Z but on the other end, I know that they donât want another spam email.
There Are Always Options
Once again, that is your mind talking to you. If you frame it that way, when you write your emails, they will sound disingenuous and insincere. Make it personable by always keeping it short and sweet. Also, feel it out. If you really donât think the conversation will continue or was really short, donât bother putting so much pressure on yourself to hone the point that none of you enjoyed the time together. Donât go overboard because itâs always better to write less than more that you cannot erase.
If you do choose to write something, spend time with it but make sure it gets to the point and you want to drive home either your appreciation for speaking, signaling you want to set up another meeting in the future or simply punch a thank you.
Your Style
Being kind will bring you much farther and the nicer you are, more things will come your way. What is holding you back from what you want is a brave choice and that usually comes in the form of communication.
Connections are everything in this world. They can help you bypass the screening process in an interview to getting that raise you were too embarrassed to ask your boss about, your co-worker helped secure the desire for you. If you never try, there is no chance of getting anything. But remember, it isnât always about what you want, it is simply for the person to hopefully remember you and put a face to the name.
Do Nots
Once again since Iâm a college student, I will be talking about recruiting for this next point. Donât worry, Iâm not obsessed with obtaining the best internship or securing my career path before I graduate, letâs just say, I just like to prepare myself and view my options down the road. Preparation never hurt no body!
I attended a networking brunch last January, a few weeks before COVID hit. Side note, a few employees were actually wearing masks already. Not sure how they knew about the virus, but letâs just say they knew something we didnât and yes, they were from Asia. Insider trading anyone? Anyway, there were about 300 of us students with a fewer employees, roughly 270 at the firm waiting to greet us for this event trying to parse out possible candidates. Almost 1 employee per student, except for a few that had to fight over someone to speak to. Those lonely students were me. I can still remember that awkward day very vividly. Not because I donât like to meet people or that shy but rather what I saw. I wouldnât have gone to these events if I was like that. Oh gosh. Please learn and donât repeat what I saw. It felt like the Bachelor. Fighting over a man without a mentor.
Eventually, after twirling around in circles waiting for studentsâ conversations to wrap up, I couldnât help but eavesdrop on what they were engaging in, I was speechless.
This is 99% of the conversations I heard. Brace yourselves!
Student: âHello, my name is ___. What is your name?â
Employee: âHi ___. My name is ____.â
S: âCool what do you do here ____?â
E: âI do ____.â
S: âCool, Iâm studying ___, and this, and this and that. Iâm a great student and very passionate about everything and my dad signed me up for this and opps, I shouldnât have just said that, forgive me, Iâm young. Anyway, hereâs my business card and resume that you can just stuff into your pocket or something. Okay, well, bye. Nice to meet you. I need to be able to meet at least 100 other employees so I can get good referrals when applying for the internship. I donât want to disappoint my dad.â
E: âTypical kid. What a great conversation.â
No joke, that is what every conversation feels like at any recruiting event. I havenât attended any with older students so I cannot assume all students act this way, but this is what I saw from most my age. But the truth is, I canât completely blame these kids because weâve never been taught about how to properly, âcheck-inâ the right way. Thank you common core education, again.
Besides prom or in church, most of our conversations, especially during this pandemic stuck at home are casual with close family and family, rarely with business professionals, unless you grow up in the Trump palace where dinner time conversations consist of what deals were done during the day and the prospect of what hotel is going bankrupt. So learning how to converse with strangers are rare. Welcome to business families of America. Yet, the rich family dinner conversations arenât as popular nor exciting as you might think. Living average is more fun and less hassle or awkwardness to come. Money can only make you happy with the amount of effort you put in.
As weâve witnessed through these horrific mistakes, networking is never about handing someone your business card and expecting them to write you a referral or better yet, help you through the process to land you that job first thing. Only daddy can maybe do that for you if he donates a building or bribery or something. Who knows! It exists and Iâm still appalled it is done behind the scenes. Have fun in jail Louri.
Everyone has an equal opportunity to land a job and the more sincere, down-to-earth, relatable you are the better. In order to form a relationship, it takes time. As we discussed earlier, donât expect to get an offer or position getting back in touch with the employe a few months later after only meeting them once. Only expect the conversation to go for longer. They wonât remember you and wonât do it for you. What if you treated someone that way? Would you help a spoiled youngster who just wants to work at the firm a.k.a make money?
Takeaway
Connecting and networking in a professional to casual setting is as complicated as you make it seem. Treat people as you would like to be treated and seem relatable, not be a close-minded smart nerd that in fact turns out to be more like a jerk. Donât try to impress people, except for yourself.
Identify the types of people you hang out with. Why do you like them? Is it because they share similar interests to you or treat you well and make you feel special? Connecting will go a long way if you put in the required and extra effort and chance upfront for no guaranteed reward but anyway you get some free practice that for sure will pay off eventually.
Happy chatting or caroling since itâs this time of the year! đ