As depressing as this sounds, trust me. This is the best way to start.
If you had one more day on Earth, what would you do? Fly out of a helicopter, make breakfast in bed, or skip work to visit your best friend around the globe? As we get older, we value more and want less. We appreciate experiences rather than things and understand that happiness is determined by you, not anyone else.
For a long time, to this day, I still compare myself to others. I could blame it on social media, entertainment, media, celebrities, you name it, but those are just excuses. Whether we want to or not, we need to hold ourselves accountable the same way we need to provide for our own individual happiness, no one elseās.
When Iām sad, I cannot make someone feel down just because they are happy and vice versa. Especially during this pandemic, as fortunate as I am, I wouldnāt think that I would have an incredibly difficult time dealing with myself. It feels awkward to complain about no serious problems. These past few months, I feel depressed, unmotivated, not enough, and lonely. Every other emotion comes and goes by distracting myself. But the truth is, once this is over, I will miss these feelings. I will miss getting my work done quickly and efficiently, joining remote meetings, getting ready in less than 2 minutes, eating whenever Iām hungry not at the proposed lunchtime, crying behind the Zoom screen, not heading to the bathroom to do so, and exercise whenever I want to.
I guess what Iām trying to say here is that, we always want what we donāt have.
So how do we fix that because it is impossible to physically go to school and have the luxury of Zoom University at the same time.
Letās first examine the myths that weāve all heard that we need to stop drilling into our minds that is draining our happiness:
Myth #1: Have to Have aĀ Passion
Passion along with the word moist are my two least favorite words. Passion is very perfectionist like and frankly, no one knows what they are doing. Each day we are just assigned a task and perform it to the best of our ability. We do it to support our family and enjoy our lives under a roof. Passions come and go in different sizes. I doubt your passion is creating excel spreadsheets as an investment banker or driving kids to school but that is life. Donāt get fixated on becoming an astronaut or one individual job/opportunity because then you wonāt expose yourself to new ideas and places that can help spark even better ideas.
Myth #2: Know What You AreĀ Doing
Just because you know how to drive or paint doesnāt mean you love doing it. After a while, once youāve done something a repeated number of times, you become comfortable and it seems less stress-free.
Having no stress isnāt happiness. Happiness stems from being adventurous, curious, and creative, the 3 words gypsies use on their majestic routes.
Ever find yourself working on something and time flies by? You are in your ultimate zen place. Try to target that area more in your day because if time flows by, that still doesnāt necessarily mean you always know what you are doing, but you like it. The most important part and need to implement more of.
Myth #3: Strive to Be theĀ Best
Weāve already established that neither passion nor perfectionism doesnāt exist. Blah blah, we always hear that but we still want to be the best in our field and at our profession mainly to earn those big bucks. Deep down we donāt really care about that prize, reward, or recognition, we are egocentric and want that paycheck. To tell you the truth, I might want it too and thatās okay. Wanting to earn money and striving to get it to provide your family with a better life and achieve your goals is good enough.
Donāt set your expectations too high because you will be disappointed no matter what. Patience along with humility is key in this process. Be down to earth and enjoy the journey because it is usually the best part over the destination.
Myth #4: Sacrificing Values
Without my health, safety, family, or education, my life would be disastrous and truly miserable. Yours would too. No wonder we are mentally struggling during this pandemic. We need human connection as a boost of adrenaline to make us feel accomplished, excited, empathetic, and even just a good human inside regardless of what you do or talk about with others. Whatever you have, someone wants. Stop riding this endless loop because you will be obsessed with consumerism and an inflationary lifestyle, disregarding how blessed you are in the first place. People express gratefulness in different ways maybe through cooking for family or making sure to call grandma and grandpa every Sunday evening before the work week to check in with them. Whatever it is, make sure you are there for them because theyāve always been there for you and will be no matter what. Fights, disagreements, and arguments are not worth escalating in the long run. The longer you keep those going, the more regret and stupidity you will have.
Myth #5: Money Will Solve AllĀ Problems
I wish I could tell you this. Do you see Buffet or Gates in the best shape of their lives? They drink 4 cokes per day and Iām pretty sure their commute consists of sitting, hopping into a private jet then office, limo repeat. All-day sitting, no health-conscious routine in site. Of course, they have the option to purchase thousands of Peloton for their underground gym or run around in their 30-acre property in Washington or Nebraska but they choose not to. Health problems wonāt vanish and family problems wonāt go down the drain after youāre net worth hits a million. That is all internal within your control to change. What money provides is stability, flexibility, comfort, education, knowledge, and power to make a difference and share it. You have more responsibility becuase that money can easily be lost if careless. Strive to be a motivating advocate with your money and put it to good use but donāt expect it to heal that bruise.
Myth #6: The Earlier TheĀ Better
Doordash just went public today. The co-founders wanted a better system for smaller chains near San Fransisco to deliver to campus and at tech companies such as Apple and Facebook. This was in UC Berkeley back in 2013. Till today, it took them 7 years of grueling hours in college and beyond to start this billion-dollar company. If you want to rush the process, you are skipping steps and that will guarantee a sloppy job. If you want results, take your time, think, and breathe. There is no competition against time, only in a race that doesnāt provide real results just medals.
Now how do we turn these conflicting messages into positive affirmations that will help usĀ succeed?
It is as complicated as you want it to be. As humans, we love to overcomplicate and rationalize things. Especially females. We weigh things differently and utilize our emotions more in decisions, which can be a good or bad thing.
I havenāt learned these skills in any handbook or 101 self-help guide, just simply by living and failing. The best way to learn.
Tip #1: JustĀ Try
The hardest part is always starting. I took a SoulCycle Turkey Brun 90 minute spin class the other day (online of course) and the first thing the instructor said was that the first 20 minutes is always the hardest. We always dread, overcomplicate, and stress about getting started, and then everything seems to be a breeze. Okay, not everything but most seem to be more free flow whether itās an exam when the nerves have eventually calmed down or during an interview when youāve already portrayed who you are in the first 15 seconds of meeting the interviewees. The only regret you will have is no regrets at all.
Tip #2: Donāt Have High Expectations
If you expect to get an A+ on every exam, expect to be disappointed. Back in HS, as an already miserable test taker, Iām convinced I studied 3x the amount of hours it took everyone else to study for the exam because learning tedious, redundant memorization type material was absurd to me and didnāt work with me. But I had to do it. I laid my expectations low because I knew that even though before every exam I taught my family, sang the material, studied day and night for over 2 weeks leading up to the exam, got a tutor, you name it, I always had my expectations at a C. Iām glad it wasnāt higher because I was always proud of myself when my grades were above that and believe it or not, they always were. If you expect something, if it isnāt exact or better, you will be disappointed and blame yourself for things you have no control over.
I knew I have better and more important things in life to occupy my time and mental space with than a grade on a small mundane test that is 0.00006% part of my life so I set my expectations low, stayed chill, and still stayed proud that I put in all the effort. 110% each and every time.
Spoiler Alert: I never got lower than a B in a class. To this day.
Tip #3: Get Off YourĀ Phone
You arenāt missing anything, FOMO isnāt real. It is made up.
At the boom of Snapchat and Instagram as an acne-prone pre-puberty 16-year-old, I deleted social media. It was intoxicating to my mind, I got my first addiction to screens and it made me miserable. Unlike most teens that pushed that abuse aside, continued to enjoy torturing themselves and wasting hours off of their precious lives, I knew I couldnāt treat myself this way.
I read the NY Times and Medium and watch the Today Show, CNBC. Thatās enough news and gossip to last me a week.
Tip #4: Take As Much Time As YouĀ Need
As an NYU student, I commuted from Westchester to NYC daily (pre-COVID). One of the major benefits of being home is not needing to allocate 3 hours of my time on the subway, walking, and train to school. When I chose my classes, tried to schedule them so I could avoid rush hour because well, it is rushed. When I saw someone rushed, not anymore, it not only makes me nervous, sweat, itchy and dizzy, and weird enough slow down, not in a calm way but in a less productive way since I have all of these side effects to deal with.
As moms do, they fix problems. She continued repeating to me to stay in my lane and you do you. Per usual, she was right. The world isnāt going to end if you take a later train and those people are rushed because they are following everyone else. Everyone has the same reason for doing it. They want to make dinner, run away from work as much as possible and take a break. We are all in the same boat but it is fascinating how we make our own assumptions and stories as if there was only 1 train left. You are in control, donāt follow the crowd, especially in NYC.
Tip #5: Love BeingĀ Bored
Why do so many young people create the most innovation?
Because they have so much free time. When you have free time, you are able to explore, make mistakes and embarrass yourself. Thank goodness college has more breaks compared to HS and MS when clubs, extra curicualrs were all done to get into college. The tedious mundane work is done and now we can actually learn and grow in college!
Boredom isnāt a sign that you are stupid or lonely. It means you value your time and have made space to appreciate it. Being busy doesnāt mean you are working hard, it usually means you are hardly working. Answering every text right away is creepy. Be realistic with your priorities, cherish downtime to grow, enjoy life, and take a chill pill before you need to take real pills like Musk due to burnout.
Tip #6: EmbraceĀ Emotions
Truth is, Iāve never seen a man cry. Only in the movies but the movies arenāt real anyway. Letting out your feelings is the best way to cope. As we all can admit, I used to keep them inside becuase I felt vulnerable and an introvert. As Iāve gotten older, Iāve had more emotions but less sensitive becuase I can identify and control them. As a kid, I didnāt want to be seen as weak and stupid for not being put together but the truth is those who are courageous to speak up and head to a private space or ask for a break and speak with a support group and or therapist, will heal the fastest and learn the best lessons the earliest.
Earlier the better, not with everything but with dealing with yourself, it is your number one priority. You will deal, talk, and spend the most time with yourself. Why donāt you start taking care of you then?
During these volatile times, our emotions are up and down. It is okay not to be happy. That doesnāt mean you have depression, it means you have emotions and acknowledge them. Try goat yoga or Headspace if you think itāll help. It never does for me so I revert to the core themes of happiness outlined above to keep me sane instead.
You do you. Your number one goal out of this pandemic isnāt to create a startup or learn marketing, just to come out alive, not barely breathing but a better person.